Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
