i permit you to call me
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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