Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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