I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
