Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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