Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
