can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
