Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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