I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
