I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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