Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I look better un-naked...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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