this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
