he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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