where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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