Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
