I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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