it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
