i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
