I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
