every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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