she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize