My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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