just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
