If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
