I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Semen is not good for contacts.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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