I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
