My liver just broke up with me...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
