That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
