So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
