i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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