My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
