i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
