I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
