my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
