just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
