im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so let's talk penis.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
