So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
