I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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