I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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