My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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