I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
there's paper in my vomit.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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