Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
