but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
