i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
