All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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