HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
