i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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