I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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