Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
