he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
