I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
