i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
