On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
