next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
