I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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