i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
