Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just found puke in my bra..
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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