I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
