today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dear god my vagina.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
