i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
