New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
